If Only Parents Knew
Based on a true story:
“I’m probably one if not the youngest here so permit me to speak up. I attended one of the most prestigious secondary schools in Lagos, Nigeria and graduated in the 1990's. It was a boarding school. A lot of our parents had no clue how some of us were already drunk by 10am in school or how we smoked a pack of Benson and Hedges per day at age 15. They had no clue how we scaled fences from our Victoria Island campus to barbeach in the mornings to smoke weed and visit prostitutes at Lekki beach, literally waking them up to lay with them. I smoked weed once at age 16 for the first time when a classmate named Sani took us to barbeach and introduced us to it. That day happened to be my last time by some stroke of luck or my mother’s prayers. For some weird reason I despised the uncontrolled actions of my friends after we returned to school and vowed not to be like them. I was told I didn't smoke the weed well hence my calmness so I was invited back the next day but I declined. Sani never finished school. Ifeanyi is dead. Ade is a nuisance till date and a full junkie. Effiong who was raised at 1004 is roaming the streets of the Island raving mad. This all started in 1992. It has been 33 years after and it's amazing how naive some parents are. The drugs have since evolved and the peer pressure and influence still remains. I have since learnt from a Child Psychologist that the major work of parenting is done by the time the child is 13 years old, even though they only become confident enough to show their true character much later. We need to be extra vigilant and engage our children like never before; not in arguments but from a place of knowledge about repercussions of certain actions. Equip them enough to be able to answer any question friends may ask in a bid to sway them or bend them to do their bidding. And after we have done all, we must pray for them too, and with them. It's a tough time to be a parent but it was never easy in the first place.“
Mental Health Strategies to Protect Teens in a Risky World
The above parent’s candid account of 1990’s boarding school life in Lagos—early morning escapes to Bar Beach for alcohol, cigarettes, cannabis, and sexual encounters—highlights the devastating impact of unchecked peer influence. The divergent paths of classmates like Sani, Ifeanyi, Ade, and Effiong serve as sobering reminders that the foundational work of parenting must be completed by age 13. From a mental health perspective, this critical window offers the last opportunity to instill protective factors that buffer adolescents against substance use, sexual risk-taking, and identity erosion. This article outlines evidence-based strategies to cultivate self-esteem, spiritual backbone, confidence, resilience, values, and strong beliefs—deliberately structured to equip teens before they encounter high-risk environments like secondary boarding schools.
1. Self-Esteem: From Fragile Ego to Intrinsic Worth
Why it matters: Low self-esteem at 12–13 predicts first substance use by 15 (Donnelly et al., 2008, J. Adolesc. Health). Teens who need external validation are prime targets for the “cool group” at Bar Beach.
Action: Implement a daily “3 Strengths” ritual at dinner, where the child identifies three effort-based accomplishments. Conduct weekly refusal-skills role-play using authentic peer pressure scripts (e.g., “If you’re my friend, you’ll try it”). Promote body-neutral language: “My body is an instrument, not an ornament.”
How it counters the story: Builds internal validation that reduces the need to prove worth through risky behaviors; empowers decisive refusal without fear of social rejection; protects against early sexual exploitation.
Evidence: Dweck’s growth-mindset interventions yield a 40% reduction in adolescent risk-taking after six months. Botvin’s LifeSkills Training reduces marijuana initiation by 63%. Girls on the Run randomized trials link improved body satisfaction to delayed sexual debut.
2. Spiritual Backbone: Anchor Beyond Peer Approval
Why it matters: Longitudinal data show weekly spiritual practice at age 13 reduces hard-drug use by 50% by age 18, independent of socioeconomic status (Koenig, 2012).
Action: Establish a 5-minute nightly family gratitude and prayer ritual (faith-based or secular). Organize monthly Service Saturdays—joint volunteer work at orphanages or community clean-ups.
How it counters the story: Provides transcendent purpose that outranks peer thrills; replaces Bar Beach adrenaline with prosocial reward pathways.
Evidence: Yale randomized controlled trials: 12 weeks of service increase prefrontal regulation by 35% (fMRI). The Harvard Grant Study identifies transcendent purpose as the strongest predictor of long-term well-being.
3. Confidence & Assertiveness: The “Sani-Proof” Skill-Set
Peer refusal self-efficacy at age 13 stands as the single strongest predictor of abstinence by 16, according to the Ellickson RAND study. This isn’t just data—it’s a blueprint for building unbreakable resolve in the face of pressure.
Start with voice projection and eye contact. Once a week, approach a shop attendant and deliver a genuine compliment: “I like your customer service—it made my day easier.” The goal isn’t flattery; it’s training the nervous system to speak clearly while holding a stranger’s gaze. What begins as a small social leap soon equips teens to meet Sani’s dare—“Come on, real men smoke”—with a steady “I’m good, thanks,” eyes locked, no flinch.
Next, master boundary phrasing. Stand before a mirror and repeat ten times daily: “I don’t do that—it’s not my style.” Cycle through tones—polite, humorous, serious—until the words feel native to every mood. At Lekki beach, when older boys extend a joint, the response flows naturally: “Nah, I don’t do that—it’s not my style,” paired with a smile and a clean walk-away. The phrase becomes armor, light but impenetrable.
Finally, anchor the future with visualization. Teens write a letter to their 25-year-old self, beginning “Dear Me, remember Ifeanyi…” They read it aloud monthly, letting the weight of a peer’s preventable death settle in the bones. When temptation surges, an internal voice activates: This choice writes the letter I’ll read at 25. Ifeanyi’s tragedy shifts from distant headline to personal warning.
Together, these drills convert raw bravado—the kind that scales fences—into social courage that scales peer pressure. Direct skill-building, tracked across longitudinal cohorts, consistently predicts sustained resistance to deviant norms. The result: teens who don’t just say no—they own no.
4. Resilience: Stress Inoculation Before Boarding School
Why it matters: Adverse childhood experiences double addiction risk; controlled stress exposure halves it (Russo et al., 2012).
Action: Age 11: 3-night sleep-away camp. Age 12: “fail forward” projects (engineer deliberate breakage). Age 13: boarding-school simulation weekend (no devices, dorm rules at home).
How it counters the story: Prepares for Victoria Island autonomy without vulnerability to peer escalation.
Evidence: Graduated exposure protocols produce measurable reductions in stress reactivity and impulsivity.
5. Values & Strong Beliefs: Identity Vaccination
Clear personal values locked in by age 13 slash conformity to deviant peers by 70%, according to Berkowitz (2004). This isn’t guidance—it’s inoculation against the crowd.
Begin with a Family Constitution. Gather around the table and co-author five ironclad rules, like “We don’t alter our minds to fit in.” Every family member signs; the document gets framed and hung where eyes can’t escape it. The disgust for “uncontrolled actions” isn’t whispered—it’s etched in ink, non-negotiable.
Turn entertainment into armor with a media autopsy. Cue up a Nollywood scene that glamorizes drugs, hit pause at the peak of the lie, and dissect it frame by frame. What’s the hidden cost? Who loses? Passive watching becomes active demolition of the myth.
Nothing beats flesh-and-blood evidence, so orchestrate mentor matching. Pair the teen with a 25-year-old former boarder who walked the same halls and emerged clean. One Zoom call a month—no sermons, just stories. Living proof
Why it matters: Clear personal values at age 13 reduce conformity to deviant peers by 70% (Berkowitz, 2004).trumps every lecture.
How it counters the story: Makes disgust at “uncontrolled actions” explicit and communal; provides living proof over abstract warnings.
Evidence: Value-clarification exercises and mentor modeling produce robust identity stability in high-risk settings.
Red-Flag Monitoring (Without Helicoptering)
Stay alert, not anxious—spot the signals early and respond with precision, preserving trust while protecting the path.
Sudden perfume overuse (masking weed)
An unannounced room search paired with calm, non-accusatory inquiry: “I noticed the heavy scent—what’s going on?” It’s not invasion; it’s intervention rooted in care.
Weekend “group project” claims
A quick verification with one other parent turns vague excuses into verifiable facts. No drama, just diligence.
New slang or Instagram finstas
Joint account review, guided by the contract signed at age 12. Sit side-by-side, scroll together, discuss what’s seen—transparency as routine, not punishment.
This isn’t surveillance. It’s stewardship: quiet checks that catch cracks before they become canyons.
The 13-Year-Old Brain: Cheat-Sheet for Parents
Prefrontal cortex = still under construction → impulse control outsourced to parents’ co-regulation until 16.
Dopamine surge 200 % higher than adults → weed + sex = rocket fuel. Counter with scheduled high-sensation prosocial risks (boot camps, debates).
Amygdala hijack under peer eyes → teach “name it to tame it” labeling of exclusion fear.
One-Page Contract to Sign with Your 13-Year-Old
I, __________________, understand that:
1. My brain is a Ferrari with bicycle brakes until 18.
2. Any substance that promises to “fix” boredom or shame is a loan shark.
3. I will practise saying “I don’t do that” in the mirror 10× daily.
4. My parents will check my phone randomly but will never shame me—only coach me.
5. If I feel lost, I will turn to my parents as my anchor.
Signed: Child __________ Parent __________
Recommendations for Nigerian Parents
Finish 80 % of parenting by 13—after that you’re mostly a consultant.
Replace the thrill, don’t just forbid it.
Teach refusal to peer pressure louder than you teach obedience.
Pray with them, not just for them.
View boarding school as a high-risk transition - send a child with armour, not hope.
The boy who declined Sani’s second blunt in 1992 had one adult voice in his head louder than the peer chorus. Be that voice—daily, deliberately, before they scale the fence. The peer ecosystem has modernized since 1992, but the psychological vulnerabilities remain identical. Systematic investment in these five domains transforms potential victims into resilient architects of their own futures.
About the Writer:
Reverend Nwachukwu is the Founder and Executive Director of Cope and Live Mental Health Awareness Foundation. A highly qualified professional, he holds a Level 3 Mental Health Diploma and is a leading voice in mental health advocacy. He is also a trained Child Psychologist, Grief & Bereavement Counsellor, Depression Counsellor, Emotional Intelligence Life Coach, EMDR and CBT Life Coach, Couple Counsellor, SAMHI Dual Diagnosis Practitioner, trained Drugs and Addiction Coach, and an IOC Sports Administrator. His passion and expertise drive his impactful work in mental health awareness and support.
If things are getting out of hand, please call us on +234 814 831 8965 or send us an Email at: info@copeandlive.foundation